MY TOP FIVE TIPS FOR WAKING PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

As a cat who is normally locked inside the house during the night, I'd like to address an issue that's been puzzling me for a while. Why do humans insist on sleeping for eight hours in one go instead of taking regular naps?

You see, I don't understand why people don't take a leaf from the feline book of life, and have several one hour sleeps during the day so they don't have to close down totally for such a long period. If cats can do it, why can't humans? And it'd be much better for cat 'owners' as well, as we wouldn't have to get you up during the night. I know I hate it when I get woken up from my 3pm nap, so it must be equally as frustrating for you.

But there are multiple reasons why we need to get you up. Like this morning, for example. It might have been 4.15am, but it was really urgent that I looked out of the window specifically over mum and dad's bed. Fortunately there was nothing going on outside and I didn't miss anything (phew!), but you just never know do you?

Anyhow, given that you insist on this ridiculously rigid day plan, we have no choice but to wake you. So Josie, Lilly and I have come up with our five most tried and tested methods of waking up our 'owners'...

1. The loud meow: it's a bit amateurish, but a good starting point for the inexperienced cat. Simply sit down right next to their heads and meow loudly (demonstrated right). The downside is that it can provoke a flailing arm. It's not very classy.

2. Patting exposed flesh: this is my favourite and seems to work every time. If an arm is out of the duvet and hanging over the side of bed, all you do is pat it repeatedly until they move. If there's no response, get your claws out a bit - that rouses them!

3. Stand on chest and meow gently and repeatedly: Josie swears by this one, although she does say that sometimes she can see they're awake but that they're pretending they're not as if they think she'll go away. Do they think she's stupid?

4. Play fight in the bedroom...loudly: Lilly and I have this one down to a tee. Wrestling at the foot of the bed and/or jumping onto the bed and chasing each other up and down mum's body is a great way of getting her up. Although they do normally kick us out of the bedroom after that...

5. Climb underneath the duvet and scratch or bite their toes: this one is the most advanced move. A variation on number 2, it is more for the experienced cat, as the risk of getting kicked in the head means there's an element of danger involved. But it always provokes a response...

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