CATS AND HUMANS: WHO OWNS WHO?

There comes a time in every cat's life where he has to address the big issues. And I'm not talking about whether to have the afternoon nap on the comfy sofa or in that nice warm, sunny spot under the tree in the garden. I'm talking ownership.

Humans believe that us felines are domestic animals that, a few thousand years ago, you took under your wings because of our cute appearance and calming aura. I'd like to dispel that myth once and for all. The truth is that sometime around 8000BC, we got together and WE decided that life would be so much easier if we lived with you. Warmth, food, good places to sleep, fuss when we want it...you really do make life a pleasure. So the cat elders decided that if we caught a few rats and mice, you'd take us in. And you did...

Step forward 10,000 years and we have you totally under our paws without you even knowing it. It suits us entirely to let you think that you're the intelligent ones; that you're the boss. But nothing could be further from the truth, my friends. Our methods, however, remain a closely guarded secret among cat society, and it has come to my attention that a couple of idiotic felines have come very close to being caught on film giving everything away. I don't know quite how, but THIS PIECE OF VIDEO has been translated very accurately, even down to the fake and uninterested meow by one of the protaganists.


Still, I have no doubt that you'll put this down to being a cute spoof concocted by a human, and it's this arrogance and general disbelief of feline intelligence that means we'll be the true 'owners' for thousands of years to come...

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HAVE MY 'OWNERS' GONE CRAZY?

There have been strange goings on in my house over the last few days, and I'm really not sure what to make of them. My mum and dad seem to have lost all sense of reality.

It all started on Saturday morning. I got up around 11am after my mid-morning nap to find mum and dad carring big sheets, large metal tins and brushes into the house. Very odd, but I had my breakfast and then went out for some serious garden time. When I came back a few hours later, the kitchen had changed colour and mum and dad were stood around taking it in and looking very smug with themselves.

On further investigation, I found out that the tins they'd brought in were full of this gloopy liquid which was the same colour as the new kitchen - 'paint', I think they called it. Turns out that they'd spent most of their day putting this 'paint' onto the walls to change their colour, and that they would then spend the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday doing the same thing again to other bits of the house. They referred to it as 'decorating'.

Can somecat please explain to me what's going on? Why on earth would they spend their time changing the colour of the house when they could be napping or chasing birds? What difference does it make what colour the walls are? I don't get humans, sometimes, I really don't...

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THE OLDEST LIVING CAT?

This is a friend of mine, Kitty Cat. On 9th May this year she had her 21st birthday, and in proper feline years (rather than stupid human ones) she is now about 102 years old!

Kitty was originally my mum's cat, and was brought home to the family in 1987 to keep mum quiet about wanting a puppy! Ironically, 20 years later dad bought her Josie for exactly the same reason! Anyway, ever since mum left the family home to go to University in the USA, Kitty has lived with mum's parents as that's her home and mum didn't think it was fair to uproot her when she returned to the UK.

But now, more than 100 years into her life, Kitty's still going strong. She's pretty fiesty when she wants to be and I wouldn't mess with her. Respect for the elderly, that's what that is. Mum says her coat's a bit straggly now, that she's a bit slower on her feet than she used to be and that she's content to spend lots of time asleep, but hey, she can move lightning fast when there are treats around. But can't we all? Kitty likes Nature's Menu and Applaws the best, but she doesn't get them very often as they're a bit rich for her now. Although they're not too rich for me, so why don't I get them more?

I'd love to know if Kitty is among the oldest cats still alive in the UK, or even the world! Does anyone know of a cat older than her and, if so, where they live? Let's see if we can find the world's oldest living cat...

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THE MOST WITLESS CAT?

I was sat laughing at some of the idiotic pictures of my fellow felines over at The Little Cat Diaries' Most Witless Looking Cat competition this morning, and it reminded me of my rather clueless sister.

Earlier this week, Lilly went out hunting. Now we all like the thrill of the chase, the challenge of stalking our prey, and the final pounce to catch it in our claws. It's normal feline behaviour and, though I know my mum and dad don't really appreciate me returning home with my catches, it's instinctive - something inherent within me that they can't change.

It would be fair to say that Lilly's not the most feline of cats - her wrestling is poor and Josie's all but given up trying to teach her to hunt. But to her credit she went out into the wilds of the garden anyway. I was impressed...until she returned. Josie brings down pigeons almost as big as her. I'm not so experienced yet, but even I can catch a mouse. Lilly came home looking very pleased with herself...with a moth...

A moth?! Is that the best she can do? I nearly wet myself! And to make matters worse, even though I told her not to she insisted on eating it. And she was then ill for two days! If that doesn't qualify her for a witless cat award, I don't know what does. I only wish I had a picture to send to The Little Cat Diaries.

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