MY TOP FIVE TIPS FOR WAKING PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

As a cat who is normally locked inside the house during the night, I'd like to address an issue that's been puzzling me for a while. Why do humans insist on sleeping for eight hours in one go instead of taking regular naps?

You see, I don't understand why people don't take a leaf from the feline book of life, and have several one hour sleeps during the day so they don't have to close down totally for such a long period. If cats can do it, why can't humans? And it'd be much better for cat 'owners' as well, as we wouldn't have to get you up during the night. I know I hate it when I get woken up from my 3pm nap, so it must be equally as frustrating for you.

But there are multiple reasons why we need to get you up. Like this morning, for example. It might have been 4.15am, but it was really urgent that I looked out of the window specifically over mum and dad's bed. Fortunately there was nothing going on outside and I didn't miss anything (phew!), but you just never know do you?

Anyhow, given that you insist on this ridiculously rigid day plan, we have no choice but to wake you. So Josie, Lilly and I have come up with our five most tried and tested methods of waking up our 'owners'...

1. The loud meow: it's a bit amateurish, but a good starting point for the inexperienced cat. Simply sit down right next to their heads and meow loudly (demonstrated right). The downside is that it can provoke a flailing arm. It's not very classy.

2. Patting exposed flesh: this is my favourite and seems to work every time. If an arm is out of the duvet and hanging over the side of bed, all you do is pat it repeatedly until they move. If there's no response, get your claws out a bit - that rouses them!

3. Stand on chest and meow gently and repeatedly: Josie swears by this one, although she does say that sometimes she can see they're awake but that they're pretending they're not as if they think she'll go away. Do they think she's stupid?

4. Play fight in the bedroom...loudly: Lilly and I have this one down to a tee. Wrestling at the foot of the bed and/or jumping onto the bed and chasing each other up and down mum's body is a great way of getting her up. Although they do normally kick us out of the bedroom after that...

5. Climb underneath the duvet and scratch or bite their toes: this one is the most advanced move. A variation on number 2, it is more for the experienced cat, as the risk of getting kicked in the head means there's an element of danger involved. But it always provokes a response...

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LET SLEEPING LIONS LIE, part 1

Us cats don't get much private time, but some things are supposed to be sacred. Going to toilet for example: I don't like anyone watching me when I pee in the litter tray. (Maybe that's just a male thing.) But Dad has started to invade my privacy by taking pictures of me when I'm asleep and posting them on the internet. Like the one below.

I was simply stretched out in the sun, that's all. Can't a cat have a quiet power nap without someone shoving a camera in his face? It's downright rude if you ask me - how would Dad like it if I took a picture of him dribbling and snoring when he's asleep? You should hear him at 3am - it's like a herd of elephants running through the bedroom.

So anyway, to add insult to injury, he's now started a Facebook group called Cat Naps devoted to what he calls "the weird and wonderful sleeping positions" of me and cats like me, and is posting pictures of me asleep for all to see. Despite my new found notoriety in feline circles, I can't help but think this is taking liberties...

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A CAT BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL A CAT

I heard a song on the radio the other day by a band called The Ting Tings. It goes something like: "they call me hell/they call me Stacey/they call me her/they call me Jane/that's not my name/that's not my name/that's not my name/that's not my name". After I managed to pull myself together from the deep and heart-wrenching lyrics, it got me thinking.

My 'owners' call me all sorts of things. Mum calls me Jakey Cakey, The Cake, Mr Cake, My Boy, Little Man and The Jakemeister. Dad tends to call me The Boy or Mr Jake. At least Mr Jake shows a little much-deserved respect. But whether it's Jakey Cakey or The Boy, like the bird from The Ting Tings says, that's not my name. My name's Jake. It's simple. One syllable. Not very difficult to remember or to pronounce, is it?

I've noticed it with my sister too. They call Lilly, 'Lilly Loo-Loo' most of the time. And also Miss Loo, and Lilly Loo-La. I mean, what's that all about? Why do they insist on calling us so many nicknames? Is it just us or do other cats have to put up with this sort of thing?

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MY WORLD

I thought it'd be a good idea to start off by giving you a quick run down of who the characters in my own life story are. They'll be others who I'll introduce over time, but these are the main players.

To start off with, there's Josie, my mum, and Lilly, my sister. We live together in perfect harmony. Well, most of the time. Josie has a tendancy to pounce on me and to start wrestling matches, which some lesser cats might find a little unnecessary. But I can hold my own and I like a game of smash down as much as the next feline, so that's cool. She's generally a cool mum to have, and the only time we don't really get on is if she's in a mood for some reason when she'll growl if I go near her. Time of the month, I guess.

People say that Lilly and I look really similar, but that's humans for you. I love Lilly to bits, but I have to say that she's a real wuss. Even though we're the same age, Lilly's very much like my younger sister and so needs looking after. She's not particularly adventurous and hangs around the house a lot - and her wrestling leaves a lot to be desired. But like I say, she's my sis.

Then there's Harry and Winston, the rabbits. Get this - they live IN THE HOUSE! I know - I have to share my house with two rabbits. Totally bizarre if you ask me, rabbits living indoors. They're odd creatures, really. Harry's a real lightweight and flinches everytime I go near him - I like to give him the odd slap on the bum to keep him in check and let him know who's boss. Winston's a different matter though - looks like a teddy bear, but man, he's fierce! I don't cross him and we tend to pretty much keep ourselves to ourselves - I don't get in their way, they don't get in mine. That's the way I like it.

And finally there's Michelle and Paul, my 'owners'. They look after us all well, they feed us on demand, they let us out when we ask, they buy us beds and toys regularly, and they both do a great line in neck and head massage. What more can you ask? They're good people and I wouldn't be without them.

That's about it for now. You'll undoubtedly get to know them all better over time, but that should at least give you a bit of an introduction to the people who inhabit my world.

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WELCOME...

Hi, I’m Jake. That’s me in the picture above. I’m one cool cat.

Yes, I know it’s unusual for a cat to write a blog. But shouldn’t cats have the same rights as everyone else? I think it’s high time that us felines stood up for what we believe in and make our 'owners' aware of our feelings and thoughts. People don’t understand what we go through on a daily basis. It’s not all sleep, sleep, sleep you know…

“Owners”. Now there’s a concept. Just so you know, neither I or any other cat is “owned”. We merely let you people THINK you own us because it suits us. We get fed, we get a warm and comfy bed, and we get lots of fuss when we want it. Wouldn’t you play up to that?

So welcome to The Jake Files. This is a diary of sorts; a journal of the thoughts, feelings and musings of a cat who isn’t afraid to tell it as it is…